Lessons from the Tao Te Ching Leading to a Stress-Free Life

"Hun," said my wife through gritted teeth.

I saw her, sure. I heard her too, but my mind didn't stop. My eyes tracked my daughter as she prowled the living room, giggling as she tossed things from tables and shelves.

"John!"

I whipped around. My wife shook her leg in mid-air, flinging my clinging son's feet and said, "Please distract your son while I finish cooking."

I had taken my glare off my daughter for too long. I didn't notice the Lego block that was mid-trajectory toward my head. I stood to save my wife from my son and shifted the path of contact. I took two steps, and the Lego, once destined for my head, ended up under my foot. I slipped and dove past my wife.

"I got him," I said, sprawled out across the floor as I removed my son from my wife's leg.

The chaos continued through dinner. My wife and I exchanged weary glances between spoonfuls and tag-teamed the kids to stave off their hunger. Then, we embarked on the nighttime routine.

It's a blessing we've managed to get our kids accustomed to going down by 8 pm. My wife and I built that schedule to carve out some time for ourselves and for the house. Since the arrival of our glorious children, our house has been in constant disarray. However, every time my wife and I sneak out of the children's rooms once they've been put to sleep, we're spent. The sight of our messy house is demoralizing. Rather than clean, we cower in our bed, cuddled up next to one another, and dive into our social media. We doom scroll until our eyes droop closed.

I've never been very good at keeping up with my house, even before the kids. I'd let dishes pile up, but I'd wash them before the day was out. With kids, the dishes pile up and never get cleaned until it gets out of hand.

The dishes illustrate everything else around me. The grass gets cut when I notice my dog entering the house with a bunch of hitchhiker weeds. The clothes get put away from the laundry room when my drawers are empty and I can't find what to wear.
Time is a slippery thing for me. I thought I'd be getting more of it back when I made the decision to start my own business. Who was I kidding? Now, when I have a few moments to spare, I have to choose whether I want to get ahead on my "honey-do" list at home or lay my head back and catch a breath from my fast-paced life.

Small issues grew into catastrophes. Missing shingles led to leaks in the ceiling after a heavy storm. Not changing the filter in the AC led to having to replace the whole unit. A constantly messy house led to unease and embarrassment in front of friends and family. I had never placed much importance on taking care of the little things because I felt I was taking care of what mattered. I convinced myself that working non-stop on my business and bringing money to the household would solve everything. When I wasn't focused on my business, I was trying to be the "best" dad ever by choosing to play with my kids over doing things that needed to be done around the house. I wasn't enforcing the need to pick up after play. I wasn't leading my kids by example through the actions I was taking (or ignoring) about the maintenance of the things my family owned.

It wasn't until I experienced a bundle of financial emergencies and was forced to ask my mother for a bailout that I realized it was high time for a change.

After handing me the money I needed, my mother told me, "John, you know I'll always help you when you need it, but you need to help yourself. Take care of your things and be the man of the house, or someone else will soon take your place."

I couldn't believe my mother would tell me that. Her words echoed her past, harking back to the day she and my father divorced. I thought to myself, my wife and I were nothing like my parents. We have a powerful relationship, and I'd always worked hard to keep deepening that relationship precisely because I didn't want to end up like my parents.

Then it hit me. My mother was right. My anger simmered away. If I had just treated the things I owned and the people I knew like I treated my relationship with my wife, I would have never been in that predicament.

I deep-cleaned the house that day as a declaration of new habits to come. As I was dusting the bookshelf, I noticed a little book I had read years ago in college: the Tao Te Ching (Dào Dé Jīng).

I stared at the title of the book written across the spine for a moment. I vaguely remembered its core tenets, but everything that had happened up until then compelled me to pull it out of the bookshelf and revisit its wise words.
Much like what the Tao Te Ching instructs, taking care of the things you have, giving them longevity, aligns you to the natural order of the universe and allows you to live in better harmony with yourself and the world.

Words of an Ancient Sage

Long ago, in ancient China, Yinxi stood, broad-shouldered and clad in leather armor, before the arc of the Hangu Pass. The sun was setting on the horizon when a familiar face appeared.

Laozi was on his way to a life of seclusion, seeking passage to Mount Zhongnan. Society, plagued by moral decay and the conflicting ambitions of the political elite, threatened to ignite generational conflict. Laozi didn't want any part of that. He decided to leave his position as the keeper of archives at the Zhou Court and disappear from the public sphere.

Knowing of Laozi's great wisdom, Yinxi pleaded for Laozi to stay. His teachings could help keep society in line. Laozi remained determined to live a life in seclusion but heeded Yinxi's request. In a few days, he wrote the Tao Te Ching and handed it to Yinxi, leaving his knowledge and wisdom behind. Then, Laozi faded away into obscurity.

Laozi's lessons are prescriptive and metaphysical, stressing the importance of balance with the universe. The core tenets of his writing - simplicity, non-action (Wu Wei), humility, balance, and spontaneity - are best applied to one's daily life. At first, I didn't think they fit the predicament I was in. I tried keeping things simple, and my house was piling up with unfinished business. Non-action was precisely my problem. Sure, I practiced humility, but my life wasn't in balance, and there was too much spontaneity.

I nearly put the book down, ready to jump headfirst into a more militaristic and disciplinary regimen of life. Thankfully, I didn't. I kept reading.

Finding The Way

Simplicity

The Tao Te Ching teaches simplicity by espousing a life that is natural, unadorned, and in harmony with the universe. In practical terms, this means living in a minimalist setting - don't get too attached to physical items. Purchase things for their utility and get rid of them when there is no utility left.

I came to notice that my children had way too many toys. I had way too much clothing and trinkets. My wife was saving and storing, or hoarding (depending on the day), a garage full of things. In short, we had too much stuff. It's great when you can afford to make the people in your life happy, and there's no greater feeling than gifting things to our loved ones, but eventually, the stuff piles up. If there's not a steady stream of items going out as there is coming in, you end up with clutter.

I quickly noticed it was the toys my children didn't care for that were left strewn across the floor. It was the clothes that didn't fit me or were so old they were left hanging out in the back of the closet that collected dust and drained my motivation to put clothes away after washing.

It's important to take care of what you have. It's impossible to take care of everything you have unless you de-clutter.

Wu-Wei: Non-Action

Contrary to what it may seem, this doesn't mean being lazy.

Rather, Wu-Wei means to go with the flow of life. After having to ask my mother for a loan, I was prepared to go full-on military mode with hard schedules for when to do the lawn, clean the house, and do the dishes. This intense discipline, the strict adherence to a schedule, is unnatural. You may very well be able to keep up with a strict schedule for a while, but eventually, it'll burn you out.
I know people who always stick to a schedule and are super successful. However, I also noticed that they would regularly need "breaks" from their life. You can take all the vacations you want, but you can never take a break from life - life just is.

That's the crux of Wu-Wei: live your life in a sustainable way.

Now, I spread out the activities that need to happen around the house. Rather than waiting for a scheduled point in time, I try to clean up after myself as I go. When things pile up, I find the opportune moment to do things right, but I don't stress about it.

Humility

Part of humility is recognizing that I am no different than any other human in existence. There are no special rules that apply to me, and no one else will take care of my things.

This helped me decouple the feeling of embarrassment whenever I'd visit a friend's impeccably well-kept house. It removed the act of keeping my house tidy as a status symbol. It converted the act of tidying into an act self-care and self-respect.

Don't Add To The Stress of Life

The teachings of the Tao Te Ching have transformed my approach to daily life, making it less stressful and more fulfilling. By embracing simplicity, I've learned to cherish what truly matters and let go of unnecessary clutter. Wu Wei has taught me the value of living in harmony with the natural flow of life, reducing the burden of rigid schedules. Humility has reminded me of the shared human experience and the importance of taking responsibility for my environment without comparison.

Implementing these principles has not only improved the physical state of my home but also brought a sense of peace and balance to my life. The Tao Te Ching's wisdom has guided me toward a more mindful and sustainable way of living, where the little things are taken care of, and the chaos is managed with grace. In the end, it's not about perfection but about finding harmony and contentment in the everyday moments, leading to a life that feels less like a series of tasks and more like a journey of continuous growth and self-discovery.